FAQs for the No Contact Rule

no contact

The No Contact rule might be harsh, but it works. Hands Down!

The No-Contact Rule is a very important part of the 3 Step plan for getting your ex back. Even though it might be very counterintuitive, it has proven to work again and again for many people. Before starting the no contact rule, the general doubts in your mind might be something like

  • What if they forget about me completely?
  • What if they start dating someone else during that period?
  • What if they get married during the no contact rule and have beautiful children with that other woman?
  • How will they know that I am changing myself if I am not in contact with them?

Let’s take each one of these questions one by one.

What if they forget about me completely?”

One month. That’s how much I recommend the no-contact period to be. Do you really think they will forget about you in one month? If your relationship was anything even close to meaningful, then they absolutely CANNOT forget about you in one month. In some cases, I recommend the no contact rule to be as much as 2 months depending on the type of breakup and how much grudge they are holding against you. And if you think about it, even 2 months is not enough time for someone to forget their ex and get over them.

What if they start dating someone else during that period?

What makes you think they won’t start dating that other person if you are in contact with them? If you two have broken up, nothing can actually stop them from dating other people. And if you keep in contact with them, and try to stop them from dating other people, you might as well drop a hammer on your foot, because that will just make them want to date other people even more. If you try to stop them from dating, they will feel like you are still trying to control their life (even after the breakup) and they will develop resentment towards you.

“What if they get married during the no contact rule and have beautiful children with that other woman?

Well, we all know that’s not going to happen in one month.

How will they know that I am changing myself if I am not in contact with them?”

First of all, you are not changing yourself for them. You are changing yourself for you. During the no contact period, you are supposed to shift all the focus, energy, and thoughts from your ex to you. You are not doing anything to prove to your ex to change, you are doing it for you.

And even though it is not necessary that come to know about your change, they will find out about it one way or the other. Chances are that your ex is keeping their eyes and ears open for any news pertaining to you. And since we are all living in an overly connected world, they will find out through one of the many communication channels we have today.

 

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  • Confused August 17, 2011, 6:25 pm

    I need help! My ex broke up with me at the beginning of this week. He came out of left field with “I am not happy”. We also have a son together. I am not sure how to go about starting the steps since we have a child together. He is obviously still interested in being part of the child’s life and wants to talk to him every day, so How do I go about the “no contact” rule??!? HELP!

  • Shi September 11, 2011, 7:09 pm

    What if we break the no contact rule…?

  • lisa September 26, 2011, 1:15 pm

    So the no contact rule kind of worked, but really didn’t. He started seeing someone else, when I called him due to him having my belongings still and me having his she answered. I wasn’t exactly nice to her that was last night. I pretty much reminded him exactly why he left me to begin with. I have spoken to him since, today twice. The first time was civil, no major drama but the second time he called to reinstate we are never getting back together he doesn’t want to lead me on exec…
    He got angry with me because of my reaction last night and because he said I haven’t changed at all.
    He left me because I was treating him badly I was getting angry and irate with him a lot, what do I do now…go back and start step one all over again, I apologize profusely about my actions last night but it seemed to have fallen on deaf ears….this is one of those times where I think I may have completely destroyed everything….he doesn’t want to be back with me, he wants to be friends but nothing else, he said we weren’t compatible, which hurt like hell because I know we are.
    I know I hurt him so much with how I treated him…when you say time…how much time?

    This is not fixable at all is it, I really have lost the most amazing beautiful angelic thing I have ever had and it is my fault…all my fault

  • lisa September 26, 2011, 2:13 pm

    The hardest part to swallow is I have changed or at least I am the angry outburst are being help by a professional who is working through my issues with me, I want him to see that I am still that girl he fell in love with not the evil monster he left. My slight mishap last night didn’t show that.

  • Julie September 29, 2011, 2:10 am

    Hey Lisa,

    I just wanted to say I am in a similar situation. My bf left me because he said I was treating him badly and that we argued far too much. While I agree we argued, I think I am just terrible at dealing with conflict. If he has just said something to me instead of ending things I think I would have listened to him. We have a good time and have had a great 2 years together. I just think I need to better handle conflict. I don’t think that is changing who I am, I think I just need to be better at communication.

    I have decided that I am not going to talk to him until I start to heal myself and work on some things. Hopefully build a friendship with him at a later point and that we both will be able to communicate better. From there I am hoping he will see that it wasn’t all bad and that I am actively working on my weaknesses.

    I hope that helps…although my guy isn’t dating anyone else…he just wants to focus on his schooling and work.

    I think your situation is better and sounds like she is a rebound. However, if she was waiting in the wings for him then it might not be so great for you.

    Try to keep your chin up and work on your self esteem…it all stems from there. I know first hand. No matter what happens in the end if you work on yourself and you get happy FOR YOU then its all good!

    Best of luck! I know you’re hurting…

  • Lost Forever November 11, 2011, 2:08 am

    After my boyfriend of 1 year broke it off with me, he started dating another woman. After 2 weeks she moved in with him. I went NC right after the break up, but after 3 1/2 weeks, my ex is now engaged to the new woman. I never made it to the one month mark :(

  • Lost Forever November 11, 2011, 2:09 am

    Forgot to add this will be the 4th marriage for both and she is in her 40′s and he is 53.

  • Emily November 11, 2011, 11:01 pm

    Kevin,
    Hi, my name is Emily. This is really weird but, I’m only in Middle School. Heard the “your not old enough to be in a relationship yet” but I need HELP really bad :( I dated this kid named Noah M. and I really liked him but, then I grew to love him. My first boyfriend and we lasted 3 months and 22 days.Then we broke up. He told me rumors were true and I told him we were over he said see ya and i said goodbye. :(((( I want him back so bad but he went out with this one girl had a rebound relationship broke up asked out another girl rejected him then asked out another girl she said “yes” and she told me no. total bitch. I love him and its been 8 months since we broke up but he’s totally into the girl he’s dating but I, I want him back. I love him. I want to tell him but that would push us farther apart. I don’t like him just because hes super hot but for his loving personality and the way he is. I sound like a wimp but I cant live without him…… help me get him back…. thank you please help :) :( contact me on my email give me tips help me!

  • guilliane November 22, 2011, 1:49 am

    fuck all the men! they love to play head games…I am on my 1st day no contact rule…he is not on ym or skype but he is on facebook…oh well, he is trying to stalk my wall? fuck him! I don’t deserve his psycho attitude…he loves me now and hate me later…he is really a dorky guy and depressed one! why would he put my name on his skin if he can’t treat me right? I truly love him but i am tired already about his attitude… he would always say “I don’t feel like going online, get pissed if you want” so too much for his tantrums… I know how crazy he is to me now he over used my love for him…he just taught me how to lessen the love I have for him…in millions of male species in this world I am very sure there will be someone who is deserving for me…