Last time, we talked about what will make your ex attracted to you again. Today, we are going to talk about how you actually go about doing it.

The easiest and the most effective way to do this would be to stop all communications for a while as suggested in Step 2. But I know you’ve heard that advice a lot of time. Well, the reason why everyone gives you that advice is because it actually works. When you stop communication, you give them nothing. If you keep contact with them, and you tell them what you are doing and what you are going through, you don’t leave much to their imagination, do you? On the other hand, when you stop contact, you give them nothing. You leave everything to their imagination.

Since you two have been together for a long while, it will be impossible for them to not think about you. I know it will be the same at your end. But you are doing this on purpose, and whenever you feel the need to know what your ex is doing, here is your answer. “THEY ARE THINKING ABOUT YOU”.

This obsession goes on for a while. During this phase, your ex might contact you or might not contact you. But you shall not contact them again, until you are actually ready to do so. And whenever you meet them again, you should never be completely open and talk about everything in your life. You keep the meeting short and sweet. You make it like a trailer of the next blockbuster. You give them enough to get excited, but always leave them hanging for more. This way, you infiltrate their thoughts for the next couple of days.

The key is to keep them thinking about you and whenever your thoughts in their head start to fade away, you again give them something to think about.

If you want your ex to be attracted to you again, you have got to understand the mindset which will make this happen. We all know that begging and pleading is unattractive, and so is telling them how much you love them over and over again. There is a certain type of mindset that you need to achieve which will make your ex attracted to you again.

To achieve this mindset, you have to understand one of the psychological factors that are embedded in every human brain. No, it’s not about how “We want what we can’t have”. It’s about mystery. People are attracted to things that they don’t understand. The more mysterious you look to someone, the more they will think about you and the more they think about you, the more they will fantasize about you, and the more they fantasize about you, the more they will hopelessly fall in love with you.

Let’s take a step back and look at an average person who has just been dumped by their ex. Let’s call him Mike. Mike’s ex gave him some lame cliché reason for the breakup. Now Mike is trying to find out the real reason for the breakup and he keeps on thinking about what happened and why did his ex break up with him. The more he thinks about his ex, the more he finds himself hopelessly in love with her. His ex is like a mystery to him at the moment and he just can’t stop obsessing over her.

Mike’s case is pretty normal after a breakup. The fact is that the more we think about something, the more we find ourselves attracted to it. Of course, you have to have a reason to think about someone.

So how do you make your ex think about you all the time?

It’s not that difficult. I’ll talk about that in my next blog post. Watch out. 🙂

Breaking up with someone isn’t an easy thing to do. Nobody wants to be the bearer of bad news, especially when you know the bad news will be devastating and even more so when you are the reason for the bad news. Telling someone that “You don’t want them anymore in your life” is like firing an employee. You know they will be pissed off and depressed after you tell them. The only difference is, you care about this person way more than you would ever care for an employee.

The first thing that you need to understand is that using cliché’s like “It’s not you, it’s me” or “I don’t love you anymore” doesn’t work anymore. It might have worked in the early 80s when they were invented, but now they are so common that it just makes the other person feel even worse knowing that you didn’t even care to come up with a valid reason to break up.

The best way to break up with someone is just sit with them and let them know how you really feel. Remember, after you break up with them, they will be confused, angry, overly emotional, and will try to decipher what you said to them during the breakup. If you are as clear as possible, it will make things easier for them after the breakup. They will obsess over you for a while, and they will think a lot about what you said, and there is a good chance that they will try to get back together.

If you truly care about this individual, you need to be upfront with them and let them know exactly what you feel. Be prepared to hear what they have to say. It will be a long conversation and you might have to have the same conversation over and over again. They will try to present their case and tell you that things can change and will try to remind you how great you were together. Now, at this moment, you have already made you decision and you subconscious will try it’s best to convince you to hold your ground. And I do agree that you should hold your ground for the moment. But you owe it to them to at least go through their case and see if they make any sense. If you believe that you two do have a future together, don’t let the stubbornness of your subconscious hold you back. Go ahead and get back with them.

After you have gone through the breakup, it might or might not be a good idea to communicate with your ex. It depends on how angry they were after the breakup.  If you had an amicable breakup, you can start the communication soon enough. However, if they were extremely upset after the breakup, you should wait for a while before you even try to get in touch. You can send them an email after a month letting them know that you still care for them and you are sorry that things had to end this way. In most of the cases however, your ex will try to contact you after the breakup. The contact will eventually become less often as they realize that they need to move on with their lives and find someone else.

Facebook has become an important part of everyone’s life. It’s a great way of keeping in touch with friends, and meeting old friends again.  Facebook is also used to learn about someone and what they like and what they don’t like. What you do on facebook is now actually a part of your social life. How you interact with people and how you respond to status updates, comments etc.

After a breakup, what you do on facebook is actually extremely important because you can bet that your ex and their friends are keeping an eye on your facebook profile. So let’s look at a few things that you can do on facebook that will destroy your chances of getting back together.

1. Sad status updates: It’s quite normal. Someone breaks up after a long relationship; they feel heartbroken; and they feel the need to share their pain with the world. And the next thing you know is a depressing sad status message which shows that you are not able to handle yourself after the breakup. Well guess what, your ex saw that, and so did all their friends. But that’s understandable since you were so much in love with them, right? No it’s not, like I said in the first step of the 3 step plan, begging and pleading and telling them how much you love them is just going to drive them away. And sad status updates are just a way of telling them how much you love them. So, do yourself a favor and stay away from sad status updates.

2. Commenting on your ex’s status and posting on their wall: You’ve got to give your ex their space after the breakup. Commenting all the time on their status and posting on their walls is almost the same as following them around all the time. It’s downright stalking. So, just staying away from your ex’s profile is a good idea.

3. Relationship status: What should you do of your relationship status? If you change it from “In a relationship” to “single” you will find that people commenting on the change. Comments like “I am so sorry dude”, or “Welcome to the single life” are like pouring salt on an open wound. Instead of changing your relationship status, you can just remove the relationship status option from your facebook profile. To do that, just go to your relationship status and select the empty box on top. It will remove the relationship status option from your profile.

4. Blocking Your Ex Completely: Well, if you are mad at your ex and you decide to completely block your ex, in an attempt to show that you don’t care anymore, you might actually be hurting your chances. Showing too much hostility only shows how much you were hurt from the breakup and how unstable you are.

5. Obsessing over your ex’s profile: This is the biggest mistake that you can do. After a breakup, it is normal to go check your ex’s profile and see what they have posted and what they are talking about with their friends. But if you find yourself doing it all the time and obsessing over every little status update that your ex makes, then you need to stop. There is no hidden meaning in their status updates, and no, they didn’t really mean it when they said “I feel awesome”. They are as devastated as you are from the breakup and they are just keeping their poise and trying to look sane on facebook. If you can’t stop obsessing over their profile, then it will be a good idea to unfriend your ex on facebook. I know that this is contrary to mistake no. 4, but you need to understand that you have to put yourself before your ex. That is the key to winning back your love. If you always put your ex before yourself, you will have a hard time getting them back.

Breaking up with someone is a hard thing to do. Even if it is you who wants to end the relationship, you will always find it difficult to convey to your partner that you no longer want them in your life. If you are the one who broke up with your ex, then you know it’s not easy giving them the bad news. On the other hand, if you were the one who was dumped, you need to realize that your ex said what they said because they thought that was the best way to give you the news.

The last sentence might be a little confusing. So let me clarify it. Everyone is different in the way they see the world. Even though what your ex said to you while breaking up might have left you in tears and heartbroken and sad, your ex did try their best to give you the news in the least hurtful way they could. The clichés like “It’s not you, it’s me” were made because they tend to reduce pain of the breakup. Or at least, people think that they reduce the pain of the breakup. Even though most of the time, they just leave the person confused and disoriented.

Let us examine different types of dumpers and the way they tend to breakup with someone.

The Coward

The coward is someone who will go to any extent to avoid confrontation and conflict during breaking up. They might piggy back on some incident for breaking up. They will try to get it over as soon as possible. In some cases, they might even do it over a phone or an email. The reason why these people do this is simple because they are too afraid to face the consequence of directly facing their partner.

The Serious Talker

A person who will actually talk about how they feel about the relationship and why they want to end it, a serious talker is a responsible person who actually cares about the other person’s feelings and wants to give them a good reason for breaking up. The breakup usually starts with something like “We need to talk” and goes on to talk about why they want to end the relationship. Some of the serious talkers might use some old clichés in an attempt to minimize the pain of the breakup. But their intentions are good and they want to make the experience as less hurtful as possible for the dumpee.

The Indifferent

This is the person who really doesn’t care about the other person’s feelings at all. All they care about is ending the relationship and moving on with their life. This is the coldest type of dumper and in my opinion, they are not worth pursuing. In some cases, they will just suddenly end all contact and cut all communications and move on with their lives.

The Blamer

If your ex used to be argumentative and blaming you near the end of relationship, chances are that they fall into this category. The blamer usually feels the need to blame the failure of the relationship on the other person and refuses to accept their responsibility. Since it is the other person’s fault that the relationship didn’t work, their conscience is clear and they don’t have to accept the responsibility of breaking up with the other person. They can go around telling their friends how it was your fault that the breakup happened and they didn’t have an option. In reality, the blamer is just trying their best to NOT face the reality and just skip ahead quickly to the next relationship. But unless they do face the truth and realize what exactly went wrong in the relationship, chances are their next relationship will fail exactly like this one.

In reality, there is no good way to end a relationship. No matter how much you try, things do get ugly. However, for your own sake, you need to stop concentrating on what and how they broke up with you and start planning on the future. Trying to find out what they meant when they said “we need to spend some time alone and maybe we will get back together in the future” or “you need to be happy with yourself first and my feelings could change again” or “I just don’t love you anymore, these things happen”; will only drive you crazy. Almost everything they said during the breakup was meant to make the breakup less hurtful for you. What you need to do at this moment is try to stop thinking about what they said, and start concentrating on yourself as explained in step 2 of the 3 step plan to get ex back.

Resources

Ex Recovery System by Ashley Kay

Wanting to get an ex back is like a knee jerk reaction after a breakup, especially if you were the one who was dumped. However, you have to understand that in this emotional state of mind, you aren’t really in control of your emotions to actually make a good decision about your life.

First of all, you need to think why you want them back. Just generic responses like “I love them’ or “I can’t live without them” or “We were really good together” will not do you much good. We often use these statements to avoid the specifics. You have to be more specific. What was so different about your ex that you can’t find in anyone else? Sometimes, it is better and much easier to just move on than trying to hold on to someone who isn’t really that great of a person. Most people fall under the illusion that they are in a deep meaningful relationship even if the relationship is just a couple of months old. If you went out with your ex for less than 3 months, then you really need to rethink about getting back together. Of course, if your relationship with your ex was toxic, then you should definitely stay away from them at all cost.

On the other hand, if you think that you two had a great relationship and had been together for a long period of time, it will be different for you. If you two had been married and had children together, then maybe it will be different for you. It is in these situations that you should put in the effort to recuperate the relationship because it will be worth it.

In essence, you should know it deep inside if your decision of wanting your ex back is really worth it or is it just a knee reaction to a bad breakup. Remember, there is no one who knows your story better than you, so it will be best to decide yourself.

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Should You Get Your Ex Back

The last thing on your mind after a breakup may be dating someone else. Just the thought of making another relationship work makes you sick at your stomach. But, there doesn’t have to be a “relationship” if you merely date someone else that you’re somewhat attracted to.

Getting back out into the world of dating is extremely important at this time of your life. It will give you a more panoramic view of what your life can be and let you know that you can be happy again.

If you’ve been out of commission for quite a while, you may have lost contact with other single friends who could lead you back to the places where you can meet new people and have a life outside of home and work. You may have friends who know singles or you may decide to go to one of the online dating sites to meet someone.

When you do meet another that you’re attracted to, ask yourself if you could grow, emotionally, spiritually and every other way with this person. Is he or she able to provide that? If not, don’t waste your time. There are too many fishes in the ocean for you to waste your time on one you’d have to throw back anyway.

It’s normal to compare the new person in your life to your ex. In fact, you should make a comparison. You should be able to find out how your ex stacks up in no time at all if you’ve done your groundwork and know why yours and your ex’s relationship failed and what you’re really looking for in one that will last.

When you compare and find something you don’t like about the other person, don’t think you can change the behavior or personality – it just doesn’t work without causing resentment.

Eventually, you’ll meet someone that you believe you could care about and make a life with. Don’t rush in to a live-in relationship or marriage. As time goes by, you’ll find out more details and will be able to picture your life together.

Dating sites on the Internet let people get to know each other before a physical relationship begins – if both are honest in their communication. It’s a good way to meet lots of people in your area and pick and choose which ones you think there might be a connection with.

You can be a little more confident and daring when you’re talking to someone over the Internet and may find out more about the other person than you could if you were physically together.

Other ways to meet new people are in your church or synagogue, friends who know you and may know another who would fit in your life, work (be sure to check out the rules your company has for dating in the workplace), play (do you like to participate in a sport or perhaps a community theater?), or simply getting involved in things you like to do. Many successful relationships have begun by meeting while walking dogs!

Keep a positive attitude about dating – and keep in mind your absolute requirements for another person to enter your life. Don’t settle for less – you don’t have to.

Since the breakup is such an emotional turmoil, it is very hard to control your emotions and thoughts after it. There is just one thing in your mind, your ex, and the questions like “is my ex over me”, “is my ex thinking about me”, “does my ex still loves me” are just too hard to get rid of.

Like I mention in the 2^nd step of my 3 Step plan, it is extremely important that you stop panicking. There are a lot of questions on your mind right now and all those are the result of the state of panic you are in.

You need to stop panicking if you want your ex back

To pull yourself together, you first need to understand your state of mind. Your mind is panicking right now, which means that it is in “fight or flight” response. In case, you don’t know what it is, it is a state of mind which is meant to deal with dangerous situations. There is a small part of brain called the Amygdala which controls your thoughts when you are in “fight or flight” mode. And the main function of Amygdala is to ask questions, “what if” questions to be specific, to determine a feasible plan of action.

However, when your ex has broken up with you, there is no real danger present. But your mind has been tricked into going into the fight or flight response due to the stress after a breakup. As a result of this, the Amygdala starts asking all these senseless questions like

What if my ex is over me?

What if they are already with someone else?

What if I never find love again?

What if I can never be happy again?

These questions will sound almost stupid if you are in your senses. But if your mind is in panicking, they might sound frightening and may lead to more panic.

How to get out of panic mode?

Well, the first thing you need to do is realize that you are in panicking and that all those frightening questions are the result of the panic. You also need to realize that all those thoughts, as frightening as they may be, are just thoughts and in reality nothing bad is going to happen.

Your ex is not over you.

Your ex is still thinking about you.

You will find love again.

And you will be happy again.

Now, it might be hard for you to believe that you will find happiness again at this time, but you need to realize that it’s only because your mind is controlled by Amygdala at the moment. You need to let this state of panic pass, think of it like a cloud passing over your head, and soon you will be thinking straight.

The underlying causes of the breakup aren’t the only determining factor as to whether or not this reconciliation is going to happen. The effort you have to put into this relationship repair quest will depend on how bad the breakup was.

For example, if the cops were called – it was bad.

If you caused him to lose his job because you phoned his boss and shared some secrets with his employer – it was bad.

Those kinds of breakups are at one end of the spectrum – the dirty, nasty end where the breakup was so explosive it might take years for the parties to forgive and forget.

On the other end of the spectrum you have the amicable splits.

These are the, “It’s not you, it’s me” dialogues you and your ex had, where one person is trying to spare the feelings of another.

It’s also one of the more rare situations.

Most breakups are caused when two people get on each other’s nerves so bad that they argue verbally.

They say mean things they regret later. They end it all in the middle of a fight, and later wish they’d kept their mouths shut.

The Rollercoaster Breakup

Were you and your ex broken up and back together – every other day? I’ve seen millions of these types of couples. You stay in this honeymoon phase for a few months and then the grievances set in and you blurt out, “It’s over” only to say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it,” 10 minutes later.

A rollercoaster breakup (also known as the Yo Yo relationship) eventually ends for good and when that happens, one of you is going to be shocked. You’ll expect to be able to get back together and the other person will be ready to get off the up and down emotional ride they’ve been on with you.

This type of breakup is easily repairable but you have to make a commitment to stop the breakups that are remnants of a 7^th grade romance once and for all.

Either you’re in or you’re out – which is it going to be?

The Cold Shoulder Breakup

With this type of breakup, communication slowly dries up until you’re to the “not speaking” stage. Suddenly, there are no more return phone calls, no replies to your text messages, and no emails for you to wake up to.

With this type of breakup, if you gave the cold shoulder, it’ll be easy to get back together – because they were left with no closure. Even if they gave you the cold shoulder, it’s not going to be too difficult to reconcile because they’re going to be somewhat plagued with guilt over shutting you out.

You’ll just need to carefully weasel your way back into their life – and I’ll show you how.

The Physical Breakup

Unless you’re a masochist, you’ll want to leave this relationship behind and not look back. Physical breakups are those where the woman slaps, or the guy punches (either his girlfriend or a hole in the wall).

You don’t need this kind of drama in your life and personally I don’t feel like it’s ethical to help someone learn how to get back in an abusive relationship. And by the way, it’s not just guys who abuse.

Ever seen Jon and Kate + 8? She smacks him around quite a bit on camera – and that’s very tame. There are many women who know their boyfriend won’t hit back, so they toss around the slaps and abuse with reckless abandon.

Could you be back with them? Probably, but I’m not going to help you!

The Not Really Broken Up Breakup

“Friends with benefits” is really what this is. I had a friend once whose “boyfriend” was only officially coupled up with her when he wanted sex. He would conveniently pick a fight with her the next day and be single, free to date again.

Then when he wanted her again, he’d make up with her – and she’d be all doe-eyed about his return with roses, let him in her bed again, and repeat the cycle over and over. It was ridiculous, but she couldn’t (or didn’t want to) admit that she was being used.

Take a good look – are one or both of you using each other? If a casual fling is what you want, then don’t slap a label like “relationship” on it – because it’s not a traditional coupling.