Breaking up with someone is a hard thing to do. Even if it is you who wants to end the relationship, you will always find it difficult to convey to your partner that you no longer want them in your life. If you are the one who broke up with your ex, then you know it’s not easy giving them the bad news. On the other hand, if you were the one who was dumped, you need to realize that your ex said what they said because they thought that was the best way to give you the news.

The last sentence might be a little confusing. So let me clarify it. Everyone is different in the way they see the world. Even though what your ex said to you while breaking up might have left you in tears and heartbroken and sad, your ex did try their best to give you the news in the least hurtful way they could. The clichés like “It’s not you, it’s me” were made because they tend to reduce pain of the breakup. Or at least, people think that they reduce the pain of the breakup. Even though most of the time, they just leave the person confused and disoriented.

Let us examine different types of dumpers and the way they tend to breakup with someone.

The Coward

The coward is someone who will go to any extent to avoid confrontation and conflict during breaking up. They might piggy back on some incident for breaking up. They will try to get it over as soon as possible. In some cases, they might even do it over a phone or an email. The reason why these people do this is simple because they are too afraid to face the consequence of directly facing their partner.

The Serious Talker

A person who will actually talk about how they feel about the relationship and why they want to end it, a serious talker is a responsible person who actually cares about the other person’s feelings and wants to give them a good reason for breaking up. The breakup usually starts with something like “We need to talk” and goes on to talk about why they want to end the relationship. Some of the serious talkers might use some old clichés in an attempt to minimize the pain of the breakup. But their intentions are good and they want to make the experience as less hurtful as possible for the dumpee.

The Indifferent

This is the person who really doesn’t care about the other person’s feelings at all. All they care about is ending the relationship and moving on with their life. This is the coldest type of dumper and in my opinion, they are not worth pursuing. In some cases, they will just suddenly end all contact and cut all communications and move on with their lives.

The Blamer

If your ex used to be argumentative and blaming you near the end of relationship, chances are that they fall into this category. The blamer usually feels the need to blame the failure of the relationship on the other person and refuses to accept their responsibility. Since it is the other person’s fault that the relationship didn’t work, their conscience is clear and they don’t have to accept the responsibility of breaking up with the other person. They can go around telling their friends how it was your fault that the breakup happened and they didn’t have an option. In reality, the blamer is just trying their best to NOT face the reality and just skip ahead quickly to the next relationship. But unless they do face the truth and realize what exactly went wrong in the relationship, chances are their next relationship will fail exactly like this one.

In reality, there is no good way to end a relationship. No matter how much you try, things do get ugly. However, for your own sake, you need to stop concentrating on what and how they broke up with you and start planning on the future. Trying to find out what they meant when they said “we need to spend some time alone and maybe we will get back together in the future” or “you need to be happy with yourself first and my feelings could change again” or “I just don’t love you anymore, these things happen”; will only drive you crazy. Almost everything they said during the breakup was meant to make the breakup less hurtful for you. What you need to do at this moment is try to stop thinking about what they said, and start concentrating on yourself as explained in step 2 of the 3 step plan to get ex back.

Resources

Ex Recovery System by Ashley Kay

Since the breakup is such an emotional turmoil, it is very hard to control your emotions and thoughts after it. There is just one thing in your mind, your ex, and the questions like “is my ex over me”, “is my ex thinking about me”, “does my ex still loves me” are just too hard to get rid of.

Like I mention in the 2^nd step of my 3 Step plan, it is extremely important that you stop panicking. There are a lot of questions on your mind right now and all those are the result of the state of panic you are in.

You need to stop panicking if you want your ex back

To pull yourself together, you first need to understand your state of mind. Your mind is panicking right now, which means that it is in “fight or flight” response. In case, you don’t know what it is, it is a state of mind which is meant to deal with dangerous situations. There is a small part of brain called the Amygdala which controls your thoughts when you are in “fight or flight” mode. And the main function of Amygdala is to ask questions, “what if” questions to be specific, to determine a feasible plan of action.

However, when your ex has broken up with you, there is no real danger present. But your mind has been tricked into going into the fight or flight response due to the stress after a breakup. As a result of this, the Amygdala starts asking all these senseless questions like

What if my ex is over me?

What if they are already with someone else?

What if I never find love again?

What if I can never be happy again?

These questions will sound almost stupid if you are in your senses. But if your mind is in panicking, they might sound frightening and may lead to more panic.

How to get out of panic mode?

Well, the first thing you need to do is realize that you are in panicking and that all those frightening questions are the result of the panic. You also need to realize that all those thoughts, as frightening as they may be, are just thoughts and in reality nothing bad is going to happen.

Your ex is not over you.

Your ex is still thinking about you.

You will find love again.

And you will be happy again.

Now, it might be hard for you to believe that you will find happiness again at this time, but you need to realize that it’s only because your mind is controlled by Amygdala at the moment. You need to let this state of panic pass, think of it like a cloud passing over your head, and soon you will be thinking straight.

In a breakup, it is very common for someone to give some lame excuse for breaking up. Sometimes, they don’t even know why they are leaving. If your ex didn’t tell you the exact reason for breaking up with you, then I am sure you are always thinking why your ex left you. Well, every relationship is unique and so is every breakup. I can’t tell you what the reason for the breakup was in each particular case. But in most of the cases, there was something missing in the relationship that made them end it.

In some cases, even they don’t know exactly what was wrong with the relationship. All they knew was they weren’t satisfied with it and they wanted to end it. In such a case, they will probably say something like

“I am not attracted to you anymore. These things happen, you just can’t explain it”

Or

“I am not in love with you anymore. I think we were made to be just friends.”

They are not intentionally lying, so don’t try to pry out a more a solid reason out of them.

You need to learn about the three important pillars of a relationship and find out which one lacked in your relationship. Every relationship needs three things

1. Love/ Connection/ Attraction – How much attracted you both are to each other. After the honeymoon stage of a relationship, the attraction starts to fade away and if you don’t know how to maintain it, your lover might soon start thinking that the relationship is not right for them. If this was your problem, then I have good news for you. You can create the attraction once again (by following the 3 step plan to win your love back). Since they were attracted to you at one point of time, it is very likely that they will be attracted to you once again. You just need to make the right moves at the right time.

2. Intimacy/ Sex – Were they not satisfied sexually? Although this is not as big a reason as no. 1, there can be some cases where the lover leaves because of lack of intimacy.

3. Security – Both Men and Women need a sense of security in a relationship. We need a certain someone to be always there for us. Do you feel like you can always rely on your partner no matter what? Is there a future in the relationship?

No matter what the reason for the breakup was, you can always work on the relationship together. The sad part is your partner has already broken up with you without working on the issues. But the good news is that you can still make your relationship work again if you follow the 3 step plan.

If you’ve read the 3 Step plan, then you know that I highly recommend not contacting your ex for a short period of time when you are working on getting your ex back.

But, what should you do if you meet your ex at a party? Should you snub them? Should you go to them and start pouring your heart out? Should you have a drink with them?

Well, if you find yourself at a party with your ex and you are still in the no contact period. Here is what you need to do.

As soon as you enter the party, find a group of people you can feel comfortable with and hang out with throughout the night. Stick with the group of people for most of the time.

You don’t want to start talking to your ex right now because you are in the no contact period and talking to them might really screw up the main purpose of the no contact period. However, you also don’t just want to blatantly ignore them because that will be rude.

Ideally, you want your ex to come and talk to you. If they do come and talk to you, just a little chit chat won’t hurt anyone. Make sure you have an excuse to get away from the conversation. Try to keep it as brief as possible. Once the conversation has run its course or you feel it’s getting longer than it has to be, just make up something quickly and get away from them. You don’t even have to make up something, just tell them that you’ve got to get going or you have to get back to your friends. Be CORDIAL and TENDER. You absolutely must give the impression that you are having a good time at the party. But don’t overdo it, so it becomes obvious that you are trying to make them jealous.

If your ex doesn’t come to talk to you, just say a quick Hi right before you are about to leave. Like I said, keep it short and sweet.

Make sure that you moderate your alcohol consumption in a party where your ex is present. If you get drunk, then I guarantee you that you’ll do something stupid which will just blow your chances of getting back together.

Party like a Rockstar..But don’t do anything that you might regret

If you and your ex work at the same office, you can use the same formula of conversations whenever you feel it is impossible to avoid a conversation. Keep it short and sweet. Resist that temptation to talk about the past, the future, getting back together, asking them out for a date, or anything that isn’t allowed in the no-contact period. Remember, there is a time for everything and if you just follow the plan, you will become immensely attractive to your ex which will just make them fall in love with you all over again.

Is My Ex Over Me? Is My Ex Thinking About Me? Does My Ex Still Love Me?

So Many questions run around your head like a moth around a candle flame. It seems almost impossible to get rid of them. You just can’t stop thinking about what your ex is doing and what they are thinking. Is my ex over me? Is my ex thinking about me? Does my ex still love me?

And then you go to their Facebook page, read their status message. That just makes things a lot worse. You start thinking about what they meant by that. Is there a hidden message in there? And then more questions.

After that the sinking feeling starts to take over. Your heart actually starts paining. You could feel it. Didn’t the relationship mean anything to them? Was it all just fake? How can they be over me so soon?

GOOD NEWS

They are not over you. If they look like they are doing great and they are already over you and are having the time of their lives, then I’ve got news for you. IT’S ALL AN ACT.

Listen, if you two had a meaningful relationship, then I can GUARANTEE you that your ex is still thinking about you. They still have feelings for you. Feelings don’t just go away after a breakup. Yes, it’s true that sometimes people try to forget their past relationships. But nobody is actually able to achieve that impossible feat.

If you are at all thinking about getting them back, then I’d highly recommend that you start being happy as well (read How to get your ex back 3 Step Plan). It’s just normal. Don’t pretend. I know it’s hard right now. Especially with so much confusion and chaos in your mind. But you will have to learn to be happy.

But more importantly, don’t be miserable. Even if you feel miserable and heartbroken, don’t announce it to the world on facebook. One sad facebook status message from you, and you’ve just given your ex the upper hand. On the contrary, if your facebook status messages are upbeat and funny, you’ll make your ex start thinking about you.

Remember, you have to learn to stop obsessing over your ex, what they are thinking, what they said during the breakup, and yadi yada yada. If you want to get your ex back, you need to get your mind straight and start working on yourself.

Make sure you read the 3 Step plan on getting your ex back to get an idea of the whole picture.

Chances are your ex still likes you, the question is how do you reignite that spark?

It’s not going to be easy. But it can be done. In fact, there is a very good chance that you can make your ex boyfriend or girlfriend want you back. It’s because of the fact that they were at a time with you and they wouldn’t be with you if they didn’t like you. Chances are your ex still likes you, but something went wrong in the relationship that lead to the breakup.

First of all, do not try to use logic to make them understand that you two are good together. You may think that just by telling your ex about all the good times you had together will do the trick. It doesn’t work that way. Logic has very little to do when it comes to emotions.

Once your ex breaks up with you, there is a huge psychological factor that comes in to play. CONSISTENCY! As human beings, we try to be consistent with every decision we make. If we keep changing our minds, we look insane to the society and more importantly to ourselves.  Your ex will try their best to be consistent with their decision of breaking up with you.

When you try to convince your ex to get back together after a breakup, they will put up their defenses because you are threatening their decision and their consistency.

NOTE: You can actually use consistency to get back together with your ex as is explained in the ex recovery system.

So how do you beat CONSISTENCY? By agreeing with the breakup. I know it sounds counter-intuitive and you may think that your ex might move on. But it really works. Thousands of reunited couples are a proof of this tactic.

You want cupid to shoot a dart at your ex? Then stop asking them to get back together

If you just agree with the breakup and carry on living your life and just be happy your ex will realize that you are not trying to change their mind. And once they realize that, they will let their defenses down. Once enough time passes, they will even agree to hang out with you. And this will be your chance to reconnect with them and make your ex want to get back with you.

Remember if you bring up the topic of getting back together, they will again put their defenses on. Your aim should be to just reconnect. If you want to remind them of the good times, try to be subtle about it. Don’t just say “Hey, Remember how good we were together. Let’s get back together.” As soon as you say that, they will put their defenses back up.

Make sure to check out my how to get your ex back – 3 Step Plan in which I explain how you can make your ex put their defenses down.

This is one of the most common questions that I hear from my subscribers.

Well, if you’ve ever broken up with someone, then you know that calling them over and over again is definitely not the best way to make them call you back. It’s downright stalking. Not only that, it makes you look like a needy and clingy person who doesn’t have any self respect.

Don’t Hurt Your Chances. Don’t Act Like a Stalker

So, if you want to talk to your ex and want them to reply to your messages, here is what will NOT work

“Hey Cindy, this is the fourth time I am calling. I have left you three messages already. Please call me back. I really want to talk to you. Please Please”

Or

“Hey Cindy, this is an emergency. Please call me back as soon as possible.”

Now if you’ve already called them leaving these messages a hundred times, then you’ve actually hurt your chances. But don’t worry; there is a way to repair the damage. If you follow my 3 Step Plan, you will be able to repair most of the damage you’ve done. But of course, everything depends on your situation and how much you’ve screwed up.

One of the best way to get your ex call you back is to create curiosity. Here is a simple trick that I learned from the author of Magic of Making Up, T Dub Jackson.

Give them a call and say,

“Hey Cindy, I know it’s been a while but I really want to thank you for what you did. You have no idea how much it has helped me out and I would really like to thank you in person.”

See what’s happening here? You are creating curiosity with self interest. And it works like gangbusters. It will drive them crazy not knowing what is it that they did for you. It will be like when a tune is stuck in your head and you can’t remember which song it was from. They just can’t go on without knowing what you were talking about.

BUT, and it’s a big BUT, you should have something to say when they call you back. You can’t just say “Hey that was just a trick that I used to get you to call me back”. NO. That will get them pissed. You don’t want that.

You need to have an overall strategy. The phone call is just a part of the plan. What happens before and after phone call is what makes all the difference. And for that you need to read my How To Get Your Ex Back – 3 Step Plan.

After a breakup, it is very very common for someone to start thinking about getting their ex back. But before you do anything to try to get your ex back, you have to be sure that it is a good idea. The fact is your breakup happened for a reason. And maybe it is better to just let go and start dating someone else.

So how do you know if you should get your ex back, or you should move on?

1. Why do you want your ex back?

You can’t say things like,

“I am miserable without them.”

“I can’t love again”

“I will never find love again”

Those are just knee jerk reaction to a breakup. You have to pull yourself together and first realize that you can and will love again and you will live a long and happy life with or without them.

You have to be more specific. Think about your relationship.

Did you feel loved?

Did you feel respected?

Were you two happy together?

Were you two honest about your feelings?

Did you really cherish the intimacy in the relationship?

Were you the only who sacrificed in the relationship or you both tried to make things work?

Questions like these will give you a better idea about your relationship and whether or not it is worth pursuing your ex.

Another important question you should ask yourself is

2. What would be different this time?

The fact is something went wrong in the relationship. And if you are not sure what it was, then it will happen again. You have to be specific about what went wrong and what will be different this time. Don’t say generic statements like

“I will love them more”

“I will try harder”

If you find yourself saying things like that, then it means you are not sure what went wrong in the relationship. And that just means that it will happen again.

Unfortunately, many breakups are so confusing that you just don’t understand what went wrong. Many times your ex would have used some old cliché to break up with you. Leaving you confused about why they broke up. It is essential that you understand what went wrong before you try to get your ex back.

Now, if you are sure that you want your ex back, and you have a good reason for pursuing your ex, you should go ahead and read my 3 step plan for getting your ex back.

Last time we talked about what are the signs that your ex still likes you. However, even if your ex still likes you doesn’t necessarily mean they want to get back with you. It doesn’t even necessarily mean they are thinking about getting back together.

Reading the subtle hints and signs they give is important because it will tell you exactly what state they are in mentally. Here are a few sure signs your ex girlfriend or your ex boyfriend is thinking about getting back together.

1. They make an effort to improve themselves and then directly or indirect let you know that they have improved. For example, they may have started working out to improve their physical experience, or they may have gotten a better job to improve their financial stability, or they may have been working with inner issues which may have caused the breakup.

2. If they think they’ve done something wrong or done something to disappoint you, they go out of their way to apologize and make things right. For example, if they said they would call you at a certain time but didn’t.

3. Running into you “accidentally” at a place you frequently visit.

4. While having a conversation, they talk about a future in which you are present. This means they want you in their life and are expecting you to be there in the future.

5. They try to talk about what went wrong in the relationship and how things could have been better.

If you notice any of these signs, then the ball is in your court and you’ve got to make the next move. Be confident because at this moment, they are on the fence and are tilting towards getting back together.

But don’t be too aggressive by trying to force them to get back together. One wrong move and they will be thinking that breaking up was the right thing to do. You have to play your cards right. Having a solid plan helps.